I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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