Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Randomize
