McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
