I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
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