there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
My vagina is officially offended.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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