I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
