I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
