Already got asked if we're dating
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Randomize
