He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
