I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
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