So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Randomize
