I CAN MOONWALK!
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Randomize
