her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
