It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Randomize
