If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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