HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
