im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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