My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
