I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
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