Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
