How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
