sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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