what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Randomize
