I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
