Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
