I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
