You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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