put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
