Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
