Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
