I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
