is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Randomize
