how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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