Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Too much gin, very little bucket
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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