Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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