Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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