im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
