Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
