my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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