fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
