cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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