One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
