Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
