In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Randomize
