i wish peter jackson would direct porn
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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