dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
