if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
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