i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
