When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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