3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
