and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
