so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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