they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Randomize
