Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
